Boomer Humor

Games for Baby Boomers

1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEKEND:

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

* Life is sexually transmitted.

* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

* Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

* Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

* Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

* Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

* Always remember... NOBODY gets out of this life, alive... so if you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance!

1970: Long Hair
2010: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high
2010: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: Keg
2010: EKG

1970: Acid Rock
2010: Acid Reflux

1970: Moving to California because it's cool
2010: Moving to California because it's warm

1970: Growing pot
2010: Growing pot belly

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
2010: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
2010: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

1970: Seeds and stems
2010: Roughage

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
2010: Popping joints

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel
2010: Our president's struggle with fidelity

1970: Killer weed
2010: Weed killer

1970: The Grateful Dead
2010: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2010: Getting a new hip joint

1970: Rolling Stones
2010: Kidney stones

1970: Being called into the principal's office
2010: Calling the principal's office

1970: Peace sign
2010: Mercedes logo

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2010: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1970: Take acid
2010: Take antacid

1970: Passing the driver's test
2010: Passing the vision test

1970: Whatever
2010: Depends

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection......... Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

Harris and his wife Esther went to the State Fair every year, and every year Harris would say: "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied: "I know, Harris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Harris went to the fair, and Harris said: "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied: "Harris, that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars".

Harris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed the pilot turned to Harris and said, "By golly I did everything that I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Harris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars".