Boomer Humor

A college student at a recent Carolina football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.

"Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and, uh..."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them, you little shit! Now what the hell are you doing for the next generation?"

I love senior citizens.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

"How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer Joe Brown's broken leg.

"Well Doc," said farmer Brown, "It's like this. Twenty-five years ago ..."

"Never mind what happened twenty-five years ago, Joe," interrupted the doctor, "How did you break your leg this morning?"

"Like I was sayin', Doc, it was twenty-five years ago, and I was hired for doin' chores at Old Man Hanley's place. I finished my work, and as I'm getting into bed, his daughter comes in, asks if everything's alright. I said, yup, everything's fine. She said, 'Is there anything I can do for you?' I said, no, I reckon I'm fine. She asked me, 'Are you sure there ain't nothin' I can do for you?' I said 'Well, I reckon not.' And she left."

"Joe, that's a good story," said the doctor, "but what does that have to do with breaking your leg this morning?"

"Well, as I was fixin' the barn, I figured out what she was talkin' about and fell off the roof."

The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady, because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80 and then about her new husband's occupation!

"He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, and a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director. Astonished, the interviewer looked at her and asked,

"Why did you marry four men with such diverse careers?" She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some asshole's got my pen."

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure".

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

I've sure gotten old. I've had two by-pass surgeries. A hip replacement and new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.