Boomer Humor

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can’t buy you happiness … But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Roger s

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

* Most people deserve each other.

* All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

* The one who snores will fall asleep first.

* The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.

* The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.

* Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.
* If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.

* The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.

* Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.

• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
  
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them anyhow.
  
• Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
  
• People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
  
• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  
• There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  
• Things you buy now won't wear out.
  
• You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
  
• You can live without sex but not without glasses.
  
• You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.
  
• You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
  
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
  
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  
• You sing along with elevator music.
  
• Your eyes won't get much worse.
  
• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  
• Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  
• In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  
• No one expects you to run into a burning building.
  

* Your potted plants are alive, and you can't smoke a one of them.

* Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

* You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

* 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

* You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

* You watch the Weather Channel.

* Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

* You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

* Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

* You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

* Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

* You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

* Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

* You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

* Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

* You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM.

* Dinner and a movie ... the WHOLE date instead of the beginning of one.

* Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3:00 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

* You go to the drugstore for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

* A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

* You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

* "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

* Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

* You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.