Boomer Humor

You know you're over the hill when:

1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

4. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

5. You tune into the easy listening station on purpose.

6. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large in that order.

7. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.

8. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

9. You start video taping daytime game shows.

10. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

11. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar - a month at a time.

12. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

13. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

14. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out and it stays out.

15. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

16. Conversations with people your own age often lead to "dueling ailments."

17. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

18. You discover the words "whipper snapper, scalawag, and by crikey" creeping into your vocabulary.

19. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

20. You begin every other sentence with "Nowadays.."

21. You run out of breath walking down a flight of stairs.

22. You look both ways before crossing a room.

23. Your social security number only has three digits.

24. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

25. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

26. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.

27. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak and you say "pureed."

28. At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.

29. You start beating everyone else at trivia games.

30. You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread used to cost.

31. Your back goes out more than you do.

32. Cafeteria food starts tasting good.

33. You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "The Hi-Fi."

34. You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.

35. You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

36. Most of your childhood toys are now in a museum.

37. Most of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

38. The clothes you've put away until they come back in style have come back in style.

39. All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.

40. The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

41. You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.

42. You wear black socks with sandals.

43. You take a metal detector to the beach.

Grandma and Grandpa were driving from Washington to Florida to attend their granddaughters graduation from medical school.

Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons in Tahoma, Kansas for a night. Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet. He asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive.'

'How much?' asked Grandpa.

'Around $10.00 a pill,' answered the son.

I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, we'll be leaving early in the morning, so I'll put the money under the pillow.'

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma.'

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

"How's the new wife?", asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

After 30 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the misses felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he mumbled.

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.