Boomer Humor

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated: "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

Monday morning, the agitated jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man,

"But let me tell you about my weekend!

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies:"All you or your partner have to say is '1234', and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her, says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like you really hung one on the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

You join a health club and don't go.

You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.

You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

Dialing long distance wears you out.

Your back goes out more than you do.

A fortune teller offers to read your face.

You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.

You remember this week that last week was your wedding anniversary.

You are startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer".

You answer automatically when someone addresses you "Old Timer."

You burn your midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl walk by.

You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friend who exercised.

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off.

The thought of getting out of bed never occurs to you.

An elderly man in Denver calls his son in Los Angeles and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Atlanta and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls home and screams at her dad, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares...Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

An elderly man, from Georgia, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." The old guy said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to old guy, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

The wise old man said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"